The Question of Worthiness

"May you learn to see yourself with the same delight, pride, and expectation with which God sees you in every moment." ~ John O'Donohue

I grew up with a "good girl" mentality. My grandparents raised me and I wanted to be perfect for them. I became a model of obedience; kept my room clean, did all my chores, and behaved responsibly. I believed this would show how much I appreciated all they were providing. 

In school, I was the teacher's pet and most helpful helper. I was that straight "A" student who always screwed up the grading curve. As a friend, I was the sympathetic ear and shoulder to cry on. I continued following this perfection formula into adulthood by earning graduate degrees and national certifications, career successes, and embracing the traditional model of family life.

This feeling of having to prove my worth spilled over into every aspect of my life, chasing approval through perfection, but like the hamster running inside a wheel I never arrived and as a result I had very little peace. Only when the question of worthiness presented itself during my meditation practice did I begin to see the pattern and a chance at liberation. 

"The most terrifying thing is to love yourself completely." ~ C. G. Jung

We are all at odds with our inner judge, the voice inside us that feeds our subconscious and keeps us ill at ease and living in fear of self acceptance and true intimacy. As Tara Bach states, "whether we fear being exposed as defective either to ourselves or to others, we carry the sense that if they knew, they would not love us." Any feelings of unworthiness are tied to our belief that we are undeserving which results in our inability to allow ourselves to receive unconditional love at the deepest level of the Sacred Inner Heart. 

It's interesting that I never suffered a lack of confidence or felt unloved by others, I just did not feel worthy of the love being expressed toward me. My inner judge convinced me I had to prove myself deserving by over extending to accomplish things so others would see me as valuable. 

Many venture toward another extreme, by allowing their feelings of being "unlovable" to force them to push people away, creating a facade of invincibility then resorting to methods of self sabotage to shrink back from any hint of an unconditional love offering from another. 

"Dare to love yourself as if you were a rainbow with gold at both ends." ~ Aberjhani

Today I no longer live under the merciless rule of perfectionism. Instead of walking in my old pattern of belief, I sit and observe any rising thoughts or feelings of inadequacy and gently allow truths to reveal themselves. The more time spent observing, teaches me it is never about anyone else's love and acceptance, it is about my ability to experience love and see myself as my Creator does. He is my Source and in His eyes I am always worthy of every good gift and it is His desire to give me the Kingdom. 

Knowing that I am marvelously and wondrously made in the image of the Creator reinforces the idea that being my authentic self is all that matters. With Him I never have to do anything, I only need to be just as He made me and whosoever is in need of my Light will recognize, appreciate, and allow the experience of it.

Have you felt unworthy of the good that exists in your life?
What false beliefs about self has your internal judge been feeding you?
What life experiences have led to your feelings of unworthiness?

"As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth." ~ Charles Chaplin