The Question of Worthiness

"May you learn to see yourself with the same delight, pride, and expectation with which God sees you in every moment." ~ John O'Donohue

I grew up with a "good girl" mentality. My grandparents raised me and I wanted to be perfect for them. I became a model of obedience; kept my room clean, did all my chores, and behaved responsibly. I believed this would show how much I appreciated all they were providing. 

In school, I was the teacher's pet and most helpful helper. I was that straight "A" student who always screwed up the grading curve. As a friend, I was the sympathetic ear and shoulder to cry on. I continued following this perfection formula into adulthood by earning graduate degrees and national certifications, career successes, and embracing the traditional model of family life.

This feeling of having to prove my worth spilled over into every aspect of my life, chasing approval through perfection, but like the hamster running inside a wheel I never arrived and as a result I had very little peace. Only when the question of worthiness presented itself during my meditation practice did I begin to see the pattern and a chance at liberation. 

"The most terrifying thing is to love yourself completely." ~ C. G. Jung

We are all at odds with our inner judge, the voice inside us that feeds our subconscious and keeps us ill at ease and living in fear of self acceptance and true intimacy. As Tara Bach states, "whether we fear being exposed as defective either to ourselves or to others, we carry the sense that if they knew, they would not love us." Any feelings of unworthiness are tied to our belief that we are undeserving which results in our inability to allow ourselves to receive unconditional love at the deepest level of the Sacred Inner Heart. 

It's interesting that I never suffered a lack of confidence or felt unloved by others, I just did not feel worthy of the love being expressed toward me. My inner judge convinced me I had to prove myself deserving by over extending to accomplish things so others would see me as valuable. 

Many venture toward another extreme, by allowing their feelings of being "unlovable" to force them to push people away, creating a facade of invincibility then resorting to methods of self sabotage to shrink back from any hint of an unconditional love offering from another. 

"Dare to love yourself as if you were a rainbow with gold at both ends." ~ Aberjhani

Today I no longer live under the merciless rule of perfectionism. Instead of walking in my old pattern of belief, I sit and observe any rising thoughts or feelings of inadequacy and gently allow truths to reveal themselves. The more time spent observing, teaches me it is never about anyone else's love and acceptance, it is about my ability to experience love and see myself as my Creator does. He is my Source and in His eyes I am always worthy of every good gift and it is His desire to give me the Kingdom. 

Knowing that I am marvelously and wondrously made in the image of the Creator reinforces the idea that being my authentic self is all that matters. With Him I never have to do anything, I only need to be just as He made me and whosoever is in need of my Light will recognize, appreciate, and allow the experience of it.

Have you felt unworthy of the good that exists in your life?
What false beliefs about self has your internal judge been feeding you?
What life experiences have led to your feelings of unworthiness?

"As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth." ~ Charles Chaplin

What Our Fears Can Teach Us

"Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free." ~ Jim Morrison

The National Safety Council maintains statistics on general "odds of dying" from selected causes, most of which will never happen to us, though, the odds of death from any cause are 100%.

When someone close experiences a traumatic life altering event, it is not uncommon to spiral into imaginings of "what could happen" in our own lives. During these times our fears threaten to overtake us. Since every experience is meant to magnify something within, we should use these opportunities to examine what our fears may be trying to tell us.

Our thoughts concerning death provide valuable lessons.

The stamina required to make final arrangements while tending to the estate business of a loved one is taxing. And when facing the full impact of your grief it is almost impossible. Past experience has urged me to complete this planning process on my own behalf as a loving gesture toward my family.  

Some will think this morbid and unnecessary as I am still relatively young and healthy, but for me, it is a common sense remedy that lends itself to minimizing any anxiety I face associated with my inevitable transition. Taking these actions now will benefit my family when this time is upon them.

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less." ~ Marie Curie

In times of crises, normal concerns become magnified and can paralyze us. The recent Ebola scare has many who already dread suffering in sickness and death standing toe to toe with these common fears. An overwhelming number of those who believe in a Higher Power say that no matter what happens to their physical body, their spirit will live on, but this has not negated their increasing anxiety, though it should.

Contemplating death brings many logical concerns about how your lifestyle might be affected if the home's primary breadwinner were to become incapacitated or the individual you rely upon for emotional security were to become ill. We would be concerned about the welfare of our children and aging parents if we were no longer able to care for them. 

So let each of us examine our responses. When fear overwhelms us emotionally it is difficult to think or behave logically. Fear is a spirit that can be overcome with faith and our faith must be greater. His grace is sufficient to sustain us in any crises. Sit with your fears and let them teach you.

Are your current fears speaking to you?
What life circumstances do you fear will overtake you?
What actions might alleviate fear created anxiety?

"When we are afraid, we pull back from life. Evolution and all hopes for a better world must rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life." ~  John Lennon

Be Careful What You Wish For

"You will turn over many a futile new leaf until you learn we must all write on scratched out pages." 
~ Mignon McLaughlin

Each year as winter approaches, I consider the experiences of the past months and based upon these lessons I set goals and make plans to release my wishes into the coming new year. As usual my general list includes divine health, deeper wisdom, and increased prosperity. 

Over the years, I have discovered that though many of my desires are very personal ones, the wants of my ego self should never be permitted to take priority. All I wish for must intend to serve the greater good in Universal Love and Healing. 

"Sir my concern is not whether God is on our side. My great concern is to be on God's side." 
~ Abraham Lincoln

In her book, Beyond the Secret, Dr. Lisa Love suggests, 'before you start wishing for something, invite Spirit into the process to guide you to desire only what Spirit also desires for you.' This advice involves releasing your attachment to the outcomes of your wishes. The key to our peace is trusting that what God desires is divinely ordered and far exceeds any plans we could ever devise on our own behalf.

Shifting away from the controlling "must know" frequency of the ego self to the surrendered "need to know" frequency of Spirit does not have to be a challenge. Release your desire for guarantees that things work out as you hope and commit to the possibilities of all that God has in store. 

Better to be led by the grace of the Creator's love than dragged by the warped intention of the ego self. The finer art of peace filled living rests in the wisdom of letting go. When we choose to submit our plans to God we enter the peace that surpasses understanding. 

As a result of my decision to continue my quest to slay the ego dragon and be led by Spirit, my meditation practice has unveiled a new mantra. Your will. Your way. I'm still working out my wish list, but I am setting my ego self aside and allowing Spirit to take the lead. My ultimate desire is to let go and trust in the best Spirit has to offer. In the long term, negating my ego, will support my becoming a better mom, writer, teacher, and friend. 

"Your Will. Your Way."

Are you oriented toward Spirit or the ravenous desires of the ego self? 
Can you surrender your wishes to the ultimate intention of Spirit?
What is preventing you from trusting in the best your Creator has to offer?

"So often our greatest triumph is a willing surrender." 
~ Robert Brault

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Slow Down

"To enjoy just being somewhere, rather than rushing from somewhere, to somewhere. Inhaling deep lungfuls of air, instead of my usual shallow breaths. I take a moment to just stop and look around me. And smile to myself." ~ Alexandra Potter

I misplaced my keys every day this week.

Amidst all the comings and goings of everyone needing to be someplace at the same time as someone else, I have learned the hard way that losing my keys is a red flag. A sign I am backsliding into those old peace thieving habits that prevent the full experience of moments as they happen.

The hypnotic effect of this amazing race called life can be like running alongside a tire, focused only on keeping the wheel in motion at any cost; blind to whatever else might occur. At such times we are lulled into feeling powerful and in control. Only to awaken and find that we are chasing the tire not directing it. The tire has become our master. 

When rushing about, the subtle messages from Spirit that speak to our intuitive sensibilities are missed. And so the Universe steps in to slow us down with little reminders at first like lost keys and forgotten lunch boxes. If we are not careful, soon we are missing appointments, leaving the stove on, or running stop signs. 

Lessons unlearned will be repeated and each test is more difficult than the last. This is our soul work in the earth plane. Nothing is an accident and every moment occurs to teach us about ourselves. There is value in each experience, the blissful and the bitter. We must exist mindfully and absorb as much as we can. 

Rushing past pain ridden episodes does not cause us to hurt any less. Speeding through joy filled moments will not increase their number. When we do not walk in awareness we are robbed of the warmth and wisdom that awaits in the Sacred space of the Inner Heart. 

So tonight as I sit in tea meditation, I will be alive in each sip of slow reflection upon the lessons in peace and peril of this past week. I will smile in gratitude and reset my intention to be present in each moment.

And where are my keys? Atop my desk for safe keeping between my laptop and a favorite photo of my children. 

Are you chasing tires in over scheduled days?
What are the red flag indicators in your life?
Have you been missing or ignoring valuable messages from Spirit? 

"Life isn't just to be endured, it's to be enjoyed." ~ Gordon B. Hinckley