"Treat gain and loss the same. Don't be intimidated. Don't make a big deal of anything - just accept things as they come to you." ~ Benjamin Hoff
My son is not only a joy in my life, he is a mini Tao master in the making. A perpetual motion machine with tireless Ch'i, at just 10 years of age, when it comes to "being" as an experience, he has no equal.
Our children are mirrors that reflect those elements within us in need of refining. My son keeps me mindful of several things: Letting my "yes" be "yes" and my "no" be "no", learning to be fearless with my emotions in feeling and expression, and savoring the good times while moving on quickly following disappointments.
"Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being." ~ Lao Tzu
Observing human behavior, at times can be exhausting, however, watching my son has the opposite effect for me. I find it energizing because, with the exception of homework, to him nothing is laborious. It's just life. He is "chips all in" on everything and operates in union with the nature of his present state of being. My young man is clear on where he wants to put his energy and you never have to guess how he feels about anything.
It would seem Voltaire's statement that, "all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds," is my little boy's philosophy. And whether he knows what he is living by or not, he just has faith that all is and will be okay.
I registered him for swim lessons when he was 6 and when class began, without hesitation, he jumped into the pool and dog paddled from the shallow end to the deep, then paddled his way back and asked the instructor if he should do it again. In amazement, we watched him cover the length of the pool allowing himself to adapt and become part of the natural state of the rhythm of the water. He had fearlessly adopted the way of Wu Wei. This mind you, was his very first lesson and his very first time at the deep end of the pool.
"Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear?" ~ Lao Tzu
For my baby boy, as sure as the world turns upside down, it will turn right side up again. All he has to do is wait for the dust to settle and everything will be fine. He knows how to melt into the waves of life and come out in whatever way is most appropriate at the time, be it crying or laughing. He is gleeful at every success and never fights back tears if they threaten to overtake him when he is upset. He cries for a few minutes, then hits the reset button and moves out and on again.
And so under the tutelage of my young Taoist master I will work toward appreciating the yin yang of life. Accepting the harmonious ebb and flow of the universe without resistance or attachment I will live the lessons to be learned within each experience. The aim is to no longer wrestle with the current, but relax into it, let it wash over and become it with no fear of the deep end.
"We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking." ~ Santosh Kalwar
As a D.I.V.A ringmaster, my responsibilities can be all consuming, especially during the school year. Add the extra curricular and social calendars of my children to the mix and I've got myself the greatest show on earth. No doubt the warmer months bring relief as the pace of life slows and there is more time to spend on those put off pet projects. I can finally pursue my list of must read books uninterrupted and increase my meditation practice time.
With the exception of my children, I value nothing more highly than my peace of mind. Without it, I am less grounded, lacking in clarity, and have the tendency to court physical illness. Outside my peace, life becomes sandpaper and I am easily irritated and less joyous.
"The Yogic sages say that all the pain of a human life is caused by words, as is all the joy. We get seduced by our own mantras and we become monuments to them." ~Elizabeth Gilbert
A mantra in a practical context is a word or phrase that is repeated often or that expresses one's basic beliefs. This is our inner self talk and it can be positive or negative. What are the recurring themes in your life? In the quiet moments away from life's demands what is the content of the self talk being repeated in your mind?
Though much of the time you are not the architect of how the universe unfolds, you are holding the reins and steering your own chariot. Are you in control of your personal thoughts or are they leading you through the moments in your life blinking fiercely in disbelief at what just happened?
In psychological terms, thoughts, feelings, and emotions though not separate from one another are three different things. Thoughts, however, rest at the base of each of them. And how we decipher what is truly at the root of our happiness or discomfort begins with awareness in our thinking. Hence, the saying, "as a man thinketh ..."
"What we think about when we are free to think about what we will - that is what we are or will soon become." ~ A.W. Tozer
The constant chatter in our minds can prove to be overwhelming. Scientists believe we have a minimum of 50,000 and upwards of 70,000 thoughts per day. Imagine that? Is it any wonder peace of mind can be so elusive.
If left unchecked our unhealthy thoughts become destructive patterns that move into our subconscious and affect our daily existence. Awareness of these patterns of thinking is key and can be life altering. Imagine being aware of why you are feeling sad, angry, confused or unworthy. And isn't this the first thing we ask our children when they do something unexpected that displeases us, "What were you thinking?" And their response in general is, "I don't know." Our moments of chaos, disorder, and indecisiveness can be traced back to our constant inner dialogue.
Quiet time for observing my thoughts is a priority. Sitting a few minutes each morning makes a world of difference in how I walk through my day. It provides a grounding and I don't feel I am balancing on a tight rope crossing the Grand Canyon. When my mind is clearer, I am freer.
Mindfulness meditation is a way to slow down and quietly "watch" my thoughts, observing them without interaction. One of my friends likens this to a clothes line moving slowly across her mind's eye. When she feels herself being drawn to a particular thought, she simply pins it to the line and watches it pass along into the gap of stillness. As I progress in my mindfulness practice, I become better able to choose what I think about. This changes my inner dialogue and each day I am more alert, more aware, more at peace and truly alive.
Note to self: Our peace of mind is not freely given, we must remain in active pursuit of it.
What are your recurring mantras?
Are your unobserved thoughts manifesting positively or negatively in your life?
How can you create opportunities for mindful observation of your inner self talk?
"The soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts." ~ Marcus Aurelius
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"You complete me."
That famous line from the film, Jerry McGuire made women the world over swoon and sigh with longing to hear the one she loved speak those words. Moments like this for many women are seated in the desire for male friendship, affection and attention. The roots of this sacred energy are paternal and provide a direct link to the genesis of Divine love, our Creator Father.
Seeing my daughter with her dad brings to mind the great affection I have for my late grandfather. He had a hearty appetite for life and his laughter would ignite joy in the heart of anyone fortunate to catch it on the wind. One of his favorite things to say before he left the supper table was, "I got one little corner left to fill."
"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was." ~ Anne Sexton
Though I did not grow up with my father, my granddaddy taught me to value myself and told me I should expect to be treated well in relationships. No father-daughter ties are without issues and my natural father is a good man. I am well beyond blaming anyone for the past. I am grateful and choose to focus on the time I still have to know him. This human experience seldom allows for perfection, however, there are perfect moments of love. The earth plane is where healing occurs and knowing my earthly father completes me because it defines me and our time exists along that sacred golden strand connecting us with our Creator Father.
If Cinderella were given a single, shining epiphany she would have realized, "This is my father's house. This is my father's estate! I am the rightful heiress to everything here!" ~ C. Joybell C.
Women have been fed via intravenous drip fairy tales rife with handsome princes and dashing knights serving as saviors most of our lives. Yet the determining element of these stories, the foundation of the father-daughter relationship is the least explored. The princess believes in the prince because the concept has been illustrated by her father's example of consistent provision, protection, respect and love without conditions. This provides a yardstick against which she can measure an appropriate suitor.
"Somebody almost ran off with all my stuff and I was standing there looking at myself the whole time. It wasn't a spirit. It was a man faster than my innocence." ~ Ntozake Shange, For Colored Girls
Minus the father-daughter interaction, many women take up the quest to find a prince with ill-defined ideas of what a healthy relationship looks or feels like which skews her choices from the beginning. Armed with a phantom concept and little stamina for waiting, we desperately seek that longed for male energy, the happily ever after prince to fill that "one little corner". It is unfortunate that often we wind up settling instead for scraps, spares, and shares along the way.
"And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." ~ Colossians 3:14
If you never hear it from your earthly father, embrace that which is true. You are never disconnected from the divine masculine. Healing begets healing and what you seek does not exist outside your being. Go inside your temple and connect with the void. Acknowledge it. Forgive it. Release it. In that stillness, listen for the voice of your Divine Father and let it complete the tapestry of perfect love personified you are becoming. You are worthy because He says you are worthy. You are beautiful because He says you are beautiful. He can fill that "one little corner". Know that your validation begins in Him. We must heal the "corners" in our hearts that long for our fathers or we will seek completion in the unworthy masquerading as princes and knights.
So daughter, heal thyself.
"As old as she was, she still missed her Daddy sometimes." ~ Gloria Naylor
What effect has the image you hold of your father had on your choices in love relationships?
Are there road blocks to healing your relationship with your father?
What have you allowed hoping to fill that "one little corner"?
"Fathers, be good to your daughters. You are the god and the weight of her world." ~ John Mayor
"The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently." ~ Pema Chodron
It is always about me. Every circumstance I find myself in is a direct result of a choice I have made. Somewhere along my journey, I planted the seeds of the tree under which I now sit. No blame. No excuses. All that I am in this very moment is all me. And whether that tree is a shelter providing shade or a lightning rod courting destruction it has been planted and nurtured under my own hand.
Individual choice is what distinguishes one life uniquely from another. No one and no thing has any power or influence over our lives unless we grant it. And when we yield that power it is much like tying self to a railroad track, asking that person or thing to come by periodically to ensure the knots are still tight and make certain the train will be on time.
"It is the same with us. Now we see God as if we are looking at a reflection in a mirror. But then, in the future, we will see him right before our eyes. Now I know only a part, but at that time I will know fully, as God has known me." ~ I Corinthians 13:12
We are made in the physical image of our Creator and in the earth plane we exist on His potter's wheel of perfecting. Here, we are pulled, prodded and pruned into His spiritual image. And we will each be held in the flame that is His perfect love. God is the timeless and great I Am forever seeing in us His intended vision at Creation. Not unlike a mother who, no matter what, only ever sees the perfect babe placed in her arms upon that earth light awakening. But we must choose to be still before the great mirror of transformation.
"Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes, being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way." ~ James Baraz
So why do we resist facing the mirror and flee the perfecting flame of God? There is but one reason we cannot sit with the reflection of self. Fear. Fear that we may have to make adjustments. Fear that we may be called to work harder while reaching higher. Fear that we may have to release something or someone. Fear that we may have to be uncomfortable. And fear that we may have to be alone for a time, God forbid.
"It takes courage to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives." ~ Marianne Williamson
Being self-possessed is far more fruitful than being self-deceived. My grandmother would say though our path becomes clearer, life is not any easier as we get older. The truths that arise from our current circumstances are all present to help us see our reflection in the mirror undimmed. As we submit to learning and growing, embracing the lessons along the way the fog lifts and we graduate to new levels and begin to vibrate at a higher frequency.
Learn to sit in acceptance of what life is in the given moment. It really is just what it is. We must develop the stamina to watch, listen, and let it teach us. Awareness of the alarms alerting us to red flags in our lives is imperative and helps us thwart impending disaster. When we neglect doing this and our lives implode upon us we are neither clueless, blameless, nor are we helpless. We have simply made a choice concerning the self planted seeds growing in the garden of our life. Rest assured we will reap all we have sown. Awakening to this fact is the only way we can minimize or eliminate suffering and live with any semblance of concrete sanity.
Deflection vs. Reflection
Deflection comes in many forms and each individual uses it as a means of coping in varying ways. Bottom line, we use deflection as a means of control. Controlling the environments of the situations we find ourselves in soon becomes an addiction. And as with any addiction, this control spreads into the lives of those closest to us and they soon become co-dependent victims. We develop a feverish commitment to avoiding uncomfortable silences and difficult but necessary conversations and decisions that stand to teach us the most about ourselves. Understand that turning away from the truths about our lives being reflected back at us breeds dis-ease. And soon everyone around us is just as sick. Deflection cripples us to the point of paralysis. Only reflection gives birth to new levels of insight and awareness. Though the amount of energy expended on both tends to be the same, the pay off over time is vastly different and can cost us our peace of mind.
"If the image one holds of one's self contains elements that don't square with reality, one is best advised to let go of them, however difficult that may be." ~ Sidney Poitier
What truths in the mirror of self have you chosen to deflect?
Are you living in the space of self-possession or self-deception?
What are the realities of the circumstances in your life attempting to teach you?
"Mortals flicker and flash and fade. Worlds don't last; and stars and galaxies are transient, fleeting things that twinkle like fireflies and vanish into cold and dust. But I can pretend ... " ~ Neil Gaiman
Life is about ongoing and inevitable change. Some subtle and fleeting, some grandiose and sweeping. Just like the seasons, a traffic light, and our face in the mirror; a change is sure to come. This truth is demonstrated profoundly in my relationship with my daughter. That I am her mother and she is my child remains consistent, though how we relate to one another today bares no resemblance to when I first held her tiny hand.
"No permanence is ours, we are a wave that flows to fit whatever form it finds." ~ Hermann Hesse
Raising children is hard. Since my daughter turned 13, I reside in a circle of hell unanticipated when I was humming Baby Einstein songs while braiding her hair. Of late I have been providing the lady lessons lecture series to equip her to handle the dangers that await her in the forest. Of the many bears she's sure to encounter, the one life principle I'd have her grasp sooner rather than later is that there is no such thing as permanence.
"The truth is that most of life will unfold in accordance with forces far outside your control, regardless of what your mind says about it." ~ Michael Singer
Everything changes in the human experience domain. Even the cells in our bodies regenerate every 7 years. Yet we expend a lot of energy attempting to fit square pegs into round holes. Our commitment to suspending in time whom and what we treasure is at the root of suffering and breeds insanity. Once we begin force feeding someone our vision we leave no room for the Universe to unfold. When we choose fear and foolishness over faith and fruitfulness we stunt our growth in unimaginable ways that introduces ripples of distortion into the lives of others. Our wisdom is finite and we do not always know what is best. We forget nothing and no one ever belongs to us. Not even our children. All forever belongs to God.
"Each of us has a variety of habitual tactics for avoiding life as it is." ~ Pema Chodron
Just as my relationship with my daughter has evolved so will every situation, circumstance, and association we cultivate. Our life force energy is not stagnant nor is it meant to be. Unfortunately, we sometimes lose sight of the adage, "the best is yet to come." Instead we hoard our experiences and cling so tightly that we choke life from our evolution by not making room for the next blessing. Once we hinge our happiness and security on a person or thing refusing to release it or let it grow, we live in fear of loss and we defy the lessons life has to teach us. As a mom, this is a bridge I have yet to cross, but when the choice is presented, I must release my daughter into the life that God has planned.
"Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God, our Father who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow." ~ James 1:17
As part of her self-preservation package, I am teaching her the only relationship that is reliably consistent and permanent in nature is the one that originates with our Creator. Our interactions have highs and lows and her connection with me will one day transition from the physical realm back to the spiritual. As painful as the acceptance of that reality may be, no amount of resistance can alter this fact.
"The only permanent solution to your problems is to go inside and let go of the part of you that seems to have so many problems with reality." ~ Michael Singer
Every mother believes she knows what's best for her daughter and possesses a fervent desire to guide her choices. But in this area, I must work to keep my ego in check. "Feed me Seymour," is the ego's mantra and it is never satisfied. The ego wants what it wants and cares very little for our personal health and well being. Ego throws us in a trick bag of self-important make believe that assures us that what we desire is what someone else needs. Ego convinces us we have permission to negate another person's power of choice and when we live under its rule our reality gets warped. We have to step into the real world and slay the ego dragon to embrace a life of peace and freedom for ourselves and those we love.
"You swore you loved me, and laughed and warned me that you would not love me forever. I did not hear you. You were speaking in a language I did not understand." ~ Thornton Wilder
And what shall I tell my beloved daughter about boys? I have yet to deliver that lecture from the lady lesson series. And though, I shudder to think of her first disappointment in love, reality dictates I must accept I can do nothing to prevent it. I can only tell her what my grandmother told me, "Baby, follow your heart, but take your brain with you."
How can you break from the illusion of permanence?
What ways have you prolonged suffering in your life?
What avoidance tactics do you use to resist change?
"Recover Yourself"
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https://www.amazon.com/Unfolding-Joy-Yourself-Nya-JoiLotus-ebook/dp/B078LZ8PC5
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